Coming to a Nursery Near You

Posts Tagged ‘life in general’

Sorta . I mean – I know somewhere in my blackened, charred heart that it’s time for me to start that long, Lonnnnnng process of reclaiming myself. Me. Dawn Marie ########################. Now that Zachary has finished nursing and doesn’t need ME specifically anymore – and I can take more time for myself without feeling quite so guilty, it’s time to start looking to see who I want to be when I grow up.

Isn’t it funny (but not ha ha funny) how I’m the type of person who has never been able to do one of those “where do you see yourself in 5/10/20 years” questions with any kind of honesty. I’ve NEVER been able to – sure, I could make up an answer … “oh, in 5 years, I can see myself in a management situation, perhaps office manager or equivalent” blah blah blah – but it was never an honest answer. I don’t know why I’ve never been able to do that. I never really had a “career” before I had kids. Before I met Jimmy & moved to TN, I had spent the most time in a job as an administrative assistant and by the time I left that job, I hated it. I didn’t LIKE being a grown man’s mama, and that’s what I felt like. I left the job because at that point, I wanted to pursue events planning – something I’ve really always wanted to try. But then things sort of got curtailed and within the year, I was pregnant with Anthony and would become a stay at home mom.

The closest I’ve ever come to “seeing” myself in the future was a couple of years ago, before I became pregnant with Zachary, I was taking some business classes and the instructor asked us to visualize ourselves a year from then. After a few minutes, I started to see myself – a year from then. Slimmer (I was in the process of losing weight and it was always on my mind) and looking happy and confident as I stood before a class I was teaching. I could see the successful me.

Well, that was 3 years ago. At that point, I was working on developing my business as an eBay educator as well as doing graphics & web design, teaching technology classes and in my free time, selling on eBay. Everything was going pretty well, too – I was making (some) money – enough so that Jimmy could stay at home w/the kids and work on HIS love (music) while I did what I (sort of) enjoyed at the time – teaching.

Then, everything changed. I knew that the pregnancy would take it’s toll on me, and so as I got farther along, I stepped back from booking classes in various cities and states around me. I WELCOMED IT because teaching is a lot harder than it looks. When all was said and done, I didn’t really miss it – because it really wasn’t something that came easily to me. I would have to steel myself to stand in front of a class of adults and teach them whatever it was I was teaching – but I never really felt like I was effective in it. I got great reviews, but it still didn’t feel like *me*.

So then Zachary came and of course, my world became Baby Central 24/7. That’s a role that’s harder than anything, as everyone says, especially while battling depression AND a 4 yr old. But obviously, a year later, Zachary has come out of it unscathed, and I – other than a few extra scars, seemingly have too. I’m left wondering what’s next?

When Jimmy bought me my new camera for Christmas, he also stressed that when tax time came around, we’d also buy me some of the accoutrements that go with photography, such as backdrops, lighting, etc. So now that time is here, and I’ve been picking up things here and there – mostly filters and whatnot – and looking at classes to take to really get a better – WORING knowledge of my camera. Photography has ALWAYS been in the background of my life – and now I think I’d like to bring it really to the forefront and develop it and work it.

Jimmy found a job online last week that I got really excited about. It’s for someone to travel to Vermont State Parks and photograph the activities, campgrounds, campers, etc. You get free admission to the places, free camping, and they reimburse for travel and supplies. It’s an internship, but what fun would that be! I could take my kids with me and do what I love to do. So I’m considering applying for it.

Something else I’m thinking about is offering my services to photograph products for a local place where I was teaching classes. They have a store where the members of this organization can sell their items, but anyone with a website needs *good* photos for it – and I can do that pretty well too. I think, though, that doing anything related to photography at this point is what excites me – and it’s been a while since anything got my attention like this has

So I took a baby step this weekend and submitted 4 of my pictures to a stock photo website. That’s where people who need good quality photos for print & web work go to buy photos that they can use without violating copyright laws. I’m waiting to see if they’re accepted – if they are, then if someone chooses to buy one of my photos, I get a percentage of the sale. So we’ll see. I’m also considering making photo notecards to sell online and perhaps at the local craft shows this summer and fall. I’m not sure if the market can stand yet another person selling flowers and mountain pics, but I’ve got time to investigate it anyway. But I guess the important thing is I’m looking past the days of diapers and trying to find somewhere to stand on my own. We’ll see what happens

Oh, and on a separate but related note, I have made an appointment with the neurologist to get back on that journey of figuring out what’s wrong with me. Now that my belly has mostly healed, it’s time to figure out what’s causing the whole body tremor, lip twitching, muscle twitching, numbness, flashing, etc.!

Technorati Tags: photography,product photography,kids,growing up,changes

It’s chaotic, and not very restful, but I’m home.  My mom had to leavea bout an hour after I left this morning,b ut it had been such a GREAT thing for to have been here and take care of my family so I didn’t have to worry about them.  She is such a fabulous mom – she really is.  I know she’d like to have stayed, but she works TWO jobs 4 days a week.  She gave up those 2 days worth of income to come up here and being treated rudely by my daughter, and try to not step on anyone’s toes (Jimmy gets overly sensitive and emotional when I’m not around either) but this was definitely one of the better visits.  He didn’t complain about anything! LOL

She came up to the hospital last night and we spent a few hours abusing each other and amusing the nursing staff.  My mother picks on me MERCILESSLY, I tell ya.  She cheats at cards too.  Oh, and she stole the food right out of my mouth.   I’m abused, I tell ya.   And I’d be totally lost without her.  She’s my biggest defender and advocate.  She was the one who (literally) backed the nurse into a corner to ask her to change the bed that hadn’t been changed and had floor dirt on it from those stupid slipper socks they make you wear.  She was the one who had ot ask and ask again for the shower chair so I wouldn’t fall on my butt in the shower.   She nagged  reminded me to do the breathing machine thingie.  Oh and she took pictures to blackmail me with of my newest incisions. 

So I’m so eternally grateful that she once again, dropped everything in her life to come help me.  I know, I know – she’s my mom – it’s her job – but I still can be grateful, can’t I?

(Even if she burned the soup) 

yeah, I think it’s time to up the zoloft or something.  I can’t seem to get excited about Christmas – it’s like… eh, big deal.  I hate that, because I want to be excited about it, particularly for the kids’ sake but still… eh.  We put the tree up last night, but eh.  I mailed my Christmas cards… but eh.  I’ve been Christmas shopping… but eh.

I went to talk to the woman who works in the office here to see what we could do about our rent.  It’s going up $80 as of January 1st, and she’d said they’d take into consideration my medical bills that I’ve paid this year – well, it turns out, they only do that if you’re 62 or disabled.  So she called to get verification, and it turns out, they WILL take the medical stuff into consideration if I can get my doctor to agree that I at least meet the requirements of disability as put forth by the Social Security Admin.  So she got me the form for that – but I’m a pretty blah… I don’t want to be considering disabled, but what do I do?  Of course, the problem *is* that I don’t actually HAVE A doctor. 

I saw her (the Doctor nurse practitioner) 2 weeks ago, when I went there for my stomach problems.  She put me on the nexium.  She gave me a 10 day supply and said "see if this helps".  They did.  When they ran out, I called and left a message saying – I’m running out – what do I do?  No call back.  Called again the next day – only no one was even there.  Called Friday.  Said Uhh now I’m out of the nexium, what DO I DO?  I am told that my nexium prescription was called in on Wednesday.  The receptionist gives me this information.  SO I go to Walmart only to find out that no, there’s no prescription – they’d faxed my dr’s office a form that needs to be sent to my insurance company for authorization to GET the nexium.  Dr’s office says "uh, we didn’t get any forms".  Pharmacist insists it was sent, agrees to send another, but also lets me know this will take days.  I call BACK – what do I do in the meantime?  The Over the counter equivalent is $28.  So, I call them back AGAIN – ask for another few days of samples – and they agree. 

Ok, so anyway  – I’ve still never gotten any instructions about what I should do about this potential ulcer or what to do about it or how to treat it, etc.  I’m pretty tired of getting the run-around from them, but I can’t seem to remind myself to call this other medical office in town to see if they are taking new patients.   but with the laundry list of things that I’ve got going on to show up at a new doctor’s office and say "Oh yeah – can you fill out this form?"

This weekend, I sent packages out to 5 different families that I found to help on Wish Upon a Hero, and it didn’t make me feel any special warm & fuzzy that it usually does when I help people. 

I apologize to those of you whose blogs I’ve not read in a while (again).  And if you’re still reading me anyway, thanks for being here to be supportive.  I went out with a friend tonight, and we went to the movies (Will Smith=yum) and even that was … eh.  I want to be more than that next week.  Grrrr.

So, spot on the brain, bulging disks in my neck, twitching eyes, numbness over my entire body, muscle twitches, lower back problems still undiagnosed, an ulcer, ridiculous weight gain.  Oh yeah, and there’s more than  a foot of snow on the ground, and this place does not sand or salt worth a damn.  Rent increase of $80 in 2 weeks, won’t see my extended family until January – ummmm and my kids fight every waking minute of the day. 

Yeah, happy freakin holidays lol

that even though my problems are a huge pain in the butt, I’ve got it easy compared to some. I went to visit Melody over at Slurping Life this morning – and I don’t even know why, really – oh, now I remember – I was investigating a spam comment on an old post and Melody had commented on that post about tagging me for something, so I went over – and read her latest post.

She needs our good thoughts and prayers, people – so please go visit with melody and give her your attention. I’ll let you know how I make out at the surgeon this morning later.

Well, it really wasn’t a bloggy vacation.

Ok ok, so I was laying on the beach in some nice, warm location, the waves gently lapping the sand, a gentle breeze blowing so I wouldn’t get over heated, and Pablo… my dear, sweet, non-English speaking (thankgod for small favors) Pablo, slathering coconut scented SPF99 on my WAY-to-white flesh and bringing me watermelon dacquiries (I’ve never actually had a watermelon dacquiry – are they good? Is that how you spell dacquiry? Geez, I’m so old). As my eyes close and I drift off to another of my daily naps, my mind floats off and I hear…

“mom”

“Mom”

“Mommy”

“mommmmmmmm”

“MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

Damn. I’m back.

Well, at least I didn’t have to go through Airport Security.

Ok, so what I really WAS doing was :

1. Finally getting an appointment with the neurosurgeon (next Wednesday, the 26th)
2. Working on my “other blog that must not be named” because I bought the domain name and want to make it all pretty-like, but am having a hard time concentrating on just that and although I didn’t get everything I wanted to get done, I’ve run out of guest bloggers LOL
3. shocked to see that the non-photo-related posting that was the most popular (in terms of comments) IN THE HISTORY OF THIS BLOG, was karen’s sex post LOL
4. Learning how to make word press themes and creating graphics for them.
5. Learning that my baby sister might actually love me as much as I love her
6. Learning how to NOT post every thought that comes into my head because I couldn’t or I’d get spanked by my guest bloggers. lol
7. Making a button for the Pinks & Blues Girls Halloween Guide because of course, they’re having more giveaways.
8. Appreciating my guest bloggers more than they’ll ever know,
9. because
10. I finally DID figure out that code and am making headway in getting that darned other blog back up to it’s former glorious self
11. and no I’m still not sharing it with you
12. because there are areas about me that you do not know and do not need to know;
13. and I promise, Queenie, that I WILL get with you to working our collaboration!
14. learning that Karen (& apparently her hubby Mike) has a naughty side;
15. Queenie *can* control herself;
16. Audrey can kick ass!
17. Stacey had WAY too much time on her hands when she was younger (but isn’t she hot???)
18. oh, and I did go out to dinner with a real life friend of mine, and got a tongue lashing that I’ll need to blog about. (no queenie, not THAT kind)
19. I’d forgotten how much I LOVE Rosemary & Olive Oil Triscuits with Tribe 40 Spices Hummus. yummmmy!
20. Did I mention how much I missed blogging?
21. Learned that I will definately use guest bloggers again!

HONEY!! I’M HOOOOOOMMMMMME!

TechnorTags: guest bloggers, blogging, friends, graphics design, web design