Coming to a Nursery Near You

Archive for the ‘breastfeeding’ Category

One of the best things about twitter is the fact that it connects you to so many people that are normally not within your realm.  As such, I happened upon a blog post by Her Bad Mother last week that had my heart pounding in my chest and tears in my eyes, because I could feel her anxiety, her fear, her helplessness.  As I read The Closer You Are to Fine, I became not just a fan, but one of her confidants.  I became her friend, her sister, her neighbor.  I wanted nothing more than to hug her and tell her that she’d be ok – and that her baby would be ok. 

And you can manage the constricted heart and the withholding of breath until you get there, to the hospital, but once your baby – your tiny, tiny baby – has been stripped of his tiny clothes and is laying naked on the hospital bed – a vast expanse of cold sheet beneath his tiny frame – the machines looming, menacing, around him, you struggle. You crouch beside him, cradling his head and nuzzling his cheek, babbling whispers of love into his ear, willing him to not cry, to not squirm, to let this be over, fast.

That’s the stuff of great writing.  That’s why I nominated Her Bad Mother for the June Perfect Post award, made possible by the Letter T, the Number 4 and the friendly folks at Petroville and Suburban Turmoil.
You can visit them to see more of this month’s Perfect Post awards, too.  But before you do, seriously – go read “The Closer You Are to Fine” first (and then her followup).

YA know, if I were half as smart as my friend Stacey, you’d be listening to Phil Collins’ “One More Night” right now, but I’m not, so you’re not. LOL

Anyway, it’s a perfect title for this post because it’s all I needed. 1 more night with my Zachy. I told you that last week (or at least I thought I did), he was up crying and in pain, and I finally gave in and nursed him and he went to sleep right away. Then he slept for 4 hours. At 6:30, he woke up and wanted to nurse, but the well was dry. I got up and went to get him a bottle, and that was that. He hasn’t wanted to and my body has acclimated and now things are fine. I’m SO glad that I got to nurse him for these 11 months. It was a fabulous way to spent time with him and really enjoy him – but the way we (at first) ended it was harsh and sudden and I hated it. This was so much better. SO MUCH BETTER. It leaves me with a wonderful sense of accomplishment. I love that baby boy with all my heart and soul, and so to be able to have that chance to really end such a big portion of our lives together – was awesome.

to have the same surge of emotions to go along with the aches and pains, that I had after I had A BABY.  How is this possible? I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since I came home. Actually, before that really. Because Jimmy’s so completely emotionally withdrawn from me, I feel like I’m all alone again. And it sucks.  My breasts still are full and ache for my baby – I’m so close to just giving in and nursing him.  God knows, I won’t be getting that MRI done for a while anyway.  But he’s not an infant anymore. He wont’ just lay there and nurse.  He kicks, he crawls away – he’s a very active, nosey toddler.  I can’t even hold him for more than a few minutes at a time (no mom, I’m not holding the baby).  And what if I wind up back in the hospital – I’d have to take it away from him again. 

As anyone who follows my twitters know, I was off to see the surgeon again today because I’m been able to see the outline of the patch they used in my belly, and I’ve been running a fever, and … and … and… there’s always an AND, isn’t there.  Nothing is ever simple with me.  I can’t tell you how SICK I am of being overly emotional, and who do I manage to take it out on? Jimmy, of course (I can see my mother rolling her eyes from 201 miles away) but it’s true.  I don’t know how the argument started yesterday or how we got onto the HOT TOPIC that has always been us moving away from New England – but it got down and it got dirty – with me accusing him of waiting until I was an emotional and physical wreck before trying his arguments form moving just because I’m so beaten and defeated.  I know it’s not really true  -but it FELT true yesterday.  I’m so tired of fighting with him.  I KNOW he hurts, I KNOW his arm is killing him – but what am I supposed to do besides try to encourage him to get it taken care of? 

Well, the surgeon put me on keflex, an antibiotic and sent me for blood work.  They needed 3 tries to get a viable vein.   I have to go back on Friday.  I’m exhausted, I can cry at the drop of a hat, my belly hurts, my back hurts more.  And I know, I KNOW my mom would give anything she could to be back up here helping out – but she cannot afford to give up 2 jobs to do it.  She simply CANNOT.  She fought me tooth & nail to accept a check to cover what she missed for the 2 days she did come up here.  (She’s obnoxious that way).  I have to figure out a way to do this with just us.  I just don’t know how right now.

I had a dream the other night that I was working for the ex President Bush (no, not dubya). I was in some sort of typing pool type of situation, and I had to write out a speech for him to give at the funeral of some Chinese dignitary. A very refined woman I used to work with many years ago, named Donna, was also there. In the dream, I wrote the speech and then typed it, leaving it on his desk. Donna then informs me that I will have to go with the ex-prez to deliver the speech, in CHINA. The dilemma arises … do I go to CHINA (how cool would that be?) or stay home because I’m nursing Zachary, and haven’t begun to wean him yet. And the plane is leaving in 2 hours.

Strange dream, huh?

But maybe not so strange when you consider the following.

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So my lovely big sis Dawn has decide that I’m going to be the first guest blogger. ( Can you all see she’s delusional. Since this is her blog i figured I would let everyone know how much I love her.(and how much she tortured me as a child.)

I’ve known my sister for 27 years, she’s always has been there for me from the very beginning. She’s has offered her advice (though I haven’t always taken it), made me think things through before I freaked out. She’s also 13 years older than me (yes Dawnie I HAD to let people know that) and it’s unbelievable how well we get along, she gets my sick sense of humor and I get hers. We can literally talk on the phone for hours about nothing. The only problem is that she lives in NH and I live in RI. It bothers me everyday.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been attached to her hip. I remember going to school with her when she was in high school. Going out on her dates with her, doing craft shows with her every weekend, sleeping over her house, going to a fish factory (don’t ask). I even was her maid of honor at 11 years old and she was mine. She helped me for the first week after my son was born, teaching me how to breast feed and putting bags of ice on my chest.

There aren’t enough words to describe her. She’s an unbelievable sister and an absolutely amazing mom, even though she says she’s not at times. Like I said though, the only problem is she lives in NH. She wants her kids to grow up in a better area than we did, and I don’t blame her. If I could I’d be up there in a heart beat living right next door *eg* I know she would love it.

I know she’s having some personal problems right now and it kills me that I can’t be there for her. And there have been times I’ve needed her so badly I’ve cried myself to sleep. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her.

I could go on and on about the things we’ve been through. Like all the times we were eating Chinese food and to this day I can not eat lo-mein without thinking of pig urethras. Or the time she had me absolutely hysterical thinking I had a huge spider on me. Then there’s the time she decided to flip the clock upside down and that definitely screwed with my head. And just recently we were on the phone for what seemed like hours just talking and laughing so hard we were crying and our stomach hurt.

I have the best memories anyone could ask for with their big sister. If I could have one wish it would to be with her again like we used to. I love her and even though she posts embarrassing pics of me on this website I wouldn’t expect anything less.

So I hope I put a smile on everyone face. Dawn is an amazing mom daughter wife aunt and most of all sister. I wish I could tell you all of my memories, I would be here all night though. I love you Dawnie, the best gift in the world (besides my children of course ) is you and I don’t know what I would do with out you in my life. It was an honor to be able to do this for you and anyone else is very lucky. I love you Dawnie..moo-neigh