an end and a beginning
It was a year ago that my bio father died. Because we had been estranged for years before, I didn’t feel as upset as some might, but I did feel bad that he’d died as he had.
He’d wasted away in his later years, going from an easily 300 lb man to barely 100 lbs. He didn’t know anyone, and spent his days lost in his own mind.
Part of me was glad about that, hoping that he was reminded day after day of the time he’d wasted, staying away from me, his only child, as well as his grandchildren. I wasn’t proud of that part of me, but with discussion with my therapist, I came to realize that it was almost to be expected.
I did, however, expect to be angry at his passing, because now I knew – KNEW – I’d never get the answers I’d looked for for so long.
I’d struggled with many issues related to him for years, with the cliche’ abandonment surfacing with several other relationships. I knew I’d never find out WHY he would never maintain a relationship with me, even though I tried when I could, he never tried. Or at least, I didn’t see it.
There was to be a memorial service for him, scheduled for 2 weeks later. As his closest living relative, it was up to me to finalize the paperwork with the funeral home, but that was it. Just a signature and I was done with that part. It was almost too easy.
Two weeks later, I drove to RI to attend the memorial. I worried that the very large portion of his side of the family would feel that I didn’t belong there, that I hadn’t been a part of his life, why should I be a part of his death.
And as luck or fate would have it, we arrived to the hall late, so I didn’t have time to socialize with my aunts and grandmother, as the preacher had already begun.
My bio father came from a BIG family – he was one of 12 children, 11 of whom were still living at his death. They were all there, as well as many of their kids, grandkids, etc. I didn’t know most of them. I didn’t know if they knew me. I felt like an imposter.
Once the preaching was done, my aunts and I got a chance to talk. Although there are 4 other males, none of them really spoke to me, but all of my aunts did, which made me feel more at home there. They also explained a lot of things to me that I hadn’t known about, things that he’d told them or that they knew he felt.
Although his death was an obvious ending to a long era for me as the seemingly unwanted daughter, I’ve since been able to reestablish a relationship with a couple of my aunts, and gratefully, several cousins as well. I’ve made friends where I didn’t expect to, and have expanded my family. Essentially, his death brought a new beginning, and one which I am grateful for.
Perhaps the best thing to happen from all of it, though, was that it provided closure for me that I hadn’t expected either. I no longer feel angry that I won’t get those answers, because his sisters and life-long friend provided those answers and removed the guilt that I’d built up.
It wasn’t me.
This is a hard subject, that many people face. I am happy and proud that you have found closure. Have you fully understood what this relationship has had as an effect on your other relationships and possibly the men you have chosen over the years? ( I am not saying a lot of men, LOL, but the type of men.)
This is something that worries me about my own child, and her father.
I’m so happy that you have been able to gain something from this because I know how hard it was for you to go there last year…seeing as I went with you.