Archive for October 8th, 2009
dealing
My dad called me today – which is odd in itself – and no, nothing was wrong, thankfully. He’d heard a rather odd (and disturbing) fact about West Virginia on a tv quiz show and wanted to share it with me.
He asked me, eventually, how I liked it here. My answer was “it’s ok”. In actuality, it’s beautiful, truly. The subdivision that we live in is beautifully kept – there are no loud parties, no drunken neighbors, very little traffic. Even though Autumn started 2 weeks ago, it’s still quite nice here most days, with highs in the 70s and in the evenings, it’s still warm enough for us to sit outside and enjoy a fire in our new firepit that we bought with a gift card that my ex sent us as a housewarming gift. We have to put on pants, and typically Libby & I will be wrapped up in a blanket, but still – in October – to be even outside for an hour or two is unusual for us.
My kids have gone from excitement that they have SO MUCH SPACE TO PLAY IN to “I’m bored – there’s nothing to do outside” whining that drives me insane, though.
I’m still filled with so much anger and resentment towards Jimmy that I can hardly have a conversation with him that doesn’t set my blood boiling.
We only have the 1 car that Jimmy has to use for work every day, so we can’t go anywhere during the day.
When Jimmy does come home, he’s usually so pissed off that more of the house isn’t cleaned up or unpacked that he barely speaks to me.
We eat dinner every night together as a family, but about 50% of the time, it’s so stressed and disjointed, it’s almost painful.
I’m reminded, on a nearly daily basis, that we have $39 left over for the WEEK after all the bills have been accounted for according to his accounting of everything. So that leaves very little left over for the things that I used to do – even if it’s just gas money so I can get out of the house at night and go somewhere – ANYWHERE – alone.
Did I mention the anger?
I scour Freecycle ads looking for things that we need. Things like furniture for the living room, of which we had none when we moved because it wouldn’t fit in the truck, kitchen/dining room chairs, because all we had were folding chairs and 3 of those we left behind because they were broken, and clothes for the kids because they’ve outgrown theirs and we don’t do “back to school” clothes shopping like most families. Fortunately, I’ve been very lucky in finding a couch and some beautiful clothes for Zachy & Libby.
I’m embarrassed by the state of our yard – the grass is ridiculously too long – the hedges are overgrown and have been since we moved in – and the fact that we don’t have the tools nor the money to get those tools or pay someone who has those tools – to clean it up for us.
I HAVE enjoyed decorating what I could – the front porch and yard – for Fall. Today’s wind has pretty much obliterated that, though.
I’m reminded, on a daily basis, of just how far from my family I am, and it makes me even angrier because he told me I’d be able to go see them before we moved – and then I couldn’t.
My son is turning 13 next week – and I have NO clue how we’ll be able to give him any thing he might want for his birthday – including a party, considering he has no friends here.
My meds are almost gone, and I have no insurance – and I’m too embarrassed to apply for state help; the fact of the matter is, though – it’s been suggested that I lie and say that Jimmy & I are not together – but the fact is, we’re really not, are we? I haven’t got a dollar to MY name right now – nothing – because he put the checking account in his name – and now I have N O T H I N G.
NOTHING includes any motivation.
I can see myself settling into my old ways of spending countless ours a day on the computer, ignoring my house and my responsibilities. It’s my way of hiding/coping. I hate it.
I’m still accessing the internet via my laptop because my desktop computer, along with the external hard drives that I keep my photos on, is still packed up in a tote somewhere in the garage, and he refuses to find it for me. Anger. Yah.
So, Dad, aren’t you glad you asked?
We will be having a yard sale next weekend, I believe – stuff that I wanted to freecycle Jimmy wants to try to sell at a yard sale first – which includes TONS of the kids old clothes they can’t wear anymore – most of it in excellent condition because they didn’t go out and ruin them by PLAYING. LOL
