Coming to a Nursery Near You

popping..

I couldn’t connect to my blog this weekend, so you probably couldn’t either. I was afraid that it might be gone – I contacted my web host and they got on the situation and fixed it – phew!

On another blog of mine, all my archives are messed up but this one seems to be ok right now. I hope. Sheesh.

The other night, I was woken up by Jimmy standing over me, asking me if Zachary was Ok because he hadn’t heard him making any noises. So I turned and put my hands on him and he was cold – and it scared the life out of me. he was fine – and when my heart slid back down into my chest, I could tell he was breathing, but he was cold because it was cold in my room – so I covered him up and somehow, went back to sleep. What a horrible way to wake up, though. It made me recall a Montel show I’d watched that day about previous guests and how one of them had awoken and gone into their baby’s room to find him gone – and what that would do to me is beyond words. My grandparents lost a baby like that, when he was just 3 months old. i do not know how my grandparents found the strength to go on and have more babies – and for them to grow up (somewhat) normal. So thanks to Jimmy, this has been heavy on my mind. My little boy is 11 months old as of yesterday – and I’ve been in the process of weaning him the last several days. I’m still nursing him at night, but during the day, he gets a bottle of formula, which he is slowly adapting to. I think he actually likes the convenience of it – and I see him fooling around with the bottle once in a while. Yesterday, he was balancing the bottle on top of the baby gate while keeping it in his mouth, drinking. I know he should probably be just going to a cup, and we do give him a cup, but he simply does not drink enough from it to keep him nourished yet. So it’s the bottle. I figure, he needs to have something remain somewhat constant and familiar – not just have a cup thrust at him while I (seemingly) ignore his needs. Jimmy thought it was a funny – ha ha – to make commentary on Zachary’s sad face yesterday. He was holding him and Zachary was looking at me with his bottom lip stuck out, and Jimmy offered “why won’t you feed me, mommy?”

Yeah, I should have thrown his ass out in the snow – except there is none LOL Jimmy doesn’t quite get why I am weaning. The idea that I’m having surgery and that those drugs wouldn’t be good for Zachary – and the fact that if I’m nursing, I cannot take pain meds as strong as I might need – or the upcoming MRI – or the fact that I will not be able to have this 17 lb baby on my stomach or attached to me after this surgery – none of it seems to click with him. He just sees that I’m weaning him sooner than I (or he) had planned. I think he sees me being selfish.

I haven’t talked about this much, but Jimmy hurt his arm back in October at work. Over the last few months, the pain has increased so much and he just grits his teeth and deals with it the best he can – he cannot help around the house because every movement hurts. The physical therapy only helps for a day, maybe only a few hours. When he first started getting seen for it, they prescribed a 6 day course of steroids, but he refused to take them. They prescribed muscle relaxants that he took once, and because they knocked him out, won’t take again. He manages the pain with Tylenol. Which is to say, barely. So he’s so wrapped up in his pain that he’s really been absent from me & us. He was miserable throughout Christmas because of the pain. He wants me to hold off on the surgery until his arm feels better. He’s in a depression worse than ever before. I don’t know what to do to help him because he simply doesn’t help himself.

I typically hold back on posting about problems I’m having with Jimmy because I don’t want people to get the wrong ideas about him. The same goes for the problems I’m having with Libby recently. The whole family seems to be screwed up at the moment. Anthony hasn’t done any schoolwork of substance in months. We’re all just STUCK. We’re in a holding pattern. I don’t know what to do to move forward.

In other news, though – Anthony called me into Libby’s room yesterday and told me to bring my camera. So I did, and this is what he had to show me:

I’m not sure but it feels like our lives right now.

No Responses to “phew!”