In the first month of Zachary’s life, we’ve taken …

Sorta . I mean – I know somewhere in my blackened, charred heart that it’s time for me to start that long, Lonnnnnng process of reclaiming myself. Me. Dawn Marie ########################. Now that Zachary has finished nursing and doesn’t need ME specifically anymore – and I can take more time for myself without feeling quite so guilty, it’s time to start looking to see who I want to be when I grow up.

Isn’t it funny (but not ha ha funny) how I’m the type of person who has never been able to do one of those “where do you see yourself in 5/10/20 years” questions with any kind of honesty. I’ve NEVER been able to – sure, I could make up an answer … “oh, in 5 years, I can see myself in a management situation, perhaps office manager or equivalent” blah blah blah – but it was never an honest answer. I don’t know why I’ve never been able to do that. I never really had a “career” before I had kids. Before I met Jimmy & moved to TN, I had spent the most time in a job as an administrative assistant and by the time I left that job, I hated it. I didn’t LIKE being a grown man’s mama, and that’s what I felt like. I left the job because at that point, I wanted to pursue events planning – something I’ve really always wanted to try. But then things sort of got curtailed and within the year, I was pregnant with Anthony and would become a stay at home mom.

The closest I’ve ever come to “seeing” myself in the future was a couple of years ago, before I became pregnant with Zachary, I was taking some business classes and the instructor asked us to visualize ourselves a year from then. After a few minutes, I started to see myself – a year from then. Slimmer (I was in the process of losing weight and it was always on my mind) and looking happy and confident as I stood before a class I was teaching. I could see the successful me.

Well, that was 3 years ago. At that point, I was working on developing my business as an eBay educator as well as doing graphics & web design, teaching technology classes and in my free time, selling on eBay. Everything was going pretty well, too – I was making (some) money – enough so that Jimmy could stay at home w/the kids and work on HIS love (music) while I did what I (sort of) enjoyed at the time – teaching.

Then, everything changed. I knew that the pregnancy would take it’s toll on me, and so as I got farther along, I stepped back from booking classes in various cities and states around me. I WELCOMED IT because teaching is a lot harder than it looks. When all was said and done, I didn’t really miss it – because it really wasn’t something that came easily to me. I would have to steel myself to stand in front of a class of adults and teach them whatever it was I was teaching – but I never really felt like I was effective in it. I got great reviews, but it still didn’t feel like *me*.

So then Zachary came and of course, my world became Baby Central 24/7. That’s a role that’s harder than anything, as everyone says, especially while battling depression AND a 4 yr old. But obviously, a year later, Zachary has come out of it unscathed, and I – other than a few extra scars, seemingly have too. I’m left wondering what’s next?

When Jimmy bought me my new camera for Christmas, he also stressed that when tax time came around, we’d also buy me some of the accoutrements that go with photography, such as backdrops, lighting, etc. So now that time is here, and I’ve been picking up things here and there – mostly filters and whatnot – and looking at classes to take to really get a better – WORING knowledge of my camera. Photography has ALWAYS been in the background of my life – and now I think I’d like to bring it really to the forefront and develop it and work it.

Jimmy found a job online last week that I got really excited about. It’s for someone to travel to Vermont State Parks and photograph the activities, campgrounds, campers, etc. You get free admission to the places, free camping, and they reimburse for travel and supplies. It’s an internship, but what fun would that be! I could take my kids with me and do what I love to do. So I’m considering applying for it.

Something else I’m thinking about is offering my services to photograph products for a local place where I was teaching classes. They have a store where the members of this organization can sell their items, but anyone with a website needs *good* photos for it – and I can do that pretty well too. I think, though, that doing anything related to photography at this point is what excites me – and it’s been a while since anything got my attention like this has

So I took a baby step this weekend and submitted 4 of my pictures to a stock photo website. That’s where people who need good quality photos for print & web work go to buy photos that they can use without violating copyright laws. I’m waiting to see if they’re accepted – if they are, then if someone chooses to buy one of my photos, I get a percentage of the sale. So we’ll see. I’m also considering making photo notecards to sell online and perhaps at the local craft shows this summer and fall. I’m not sure if the market can stand yet another person selling flowers and mountain pics, but I’ve got time to investigate it anyway. But I guess the important thing is I’m looking past the days of diapers and trying to find somewhere to stand on my own. We’ll see what happens

Oh, and on a separate but related note, I have made an appointment with the neurologist to get back on that journey of figuring out what’s wrong with me. Now that my belly has mostly healed, it’s time to figure out what’s causing the whole body tremor, lip twitching, muscle twitching, numbness, flashing, etc.!

Technorati Tags: photography,product photography,kids,growing up,changes

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